~Fairytales are written dreams~*

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Yay, school's over! I feel like I'm still dreaming at times. It's really amazing, how one year can just fly by that quickly, you hardly feel it pass at all. Am I really going to be a Sec 3 soon? Unbelievable. I can still remember my days as a young and innocent primary school kid, albeit a little vaguely, and now I'm going to be in Upper Sec! Two more months to go, actually, but these two months are likely to fly by as well, if the past fourteen, going on fifteen years of my life are any indication. What a weird thing time is. When you are feeling particularly bored or even living on a day-to-day basis, it seem to crawl by extremely slowly. And yet before you know it, one whole year just disappeared. I really wonder where all the years went. Ah, the happy days...Not that I'm not happy now, mind. And fourteen is a pretty young age to be feeling nostalgic.

Happiness is relative, no? I think it all depends on the mindset, really. I think that if one really wants to, one can feel happiness every moment. My sister often asks me why I keep smiling, and my reply is always the same. Because I have no reason not to smile. And how true that is. I'm not trying to be proud, or showoff, or anything like that, but I truly believe that I am fortunate. That's nothing to show off about. So many of us are so fortunate in so many ways, even if there are times when many, including me, do wish to be someone else. Am I rambling right now? No matter. It's not like many people are actually still reading this blog anyway, seeing how it's been so long since I last updated. But back to the topic at hand. I'll probably read back this post a few months later and feel extremely embarrassed about it, being so raw and all, but right now I'm just in this really contented mood. Being half asleep can do that to you, I guess. I am fortunate, really, I am. I have a great family, if sometimes overprotective. I have a fun-loving sister, if a little irritating. I'm in a good school, even though the workload is a bit scary at times. I won't call myself a beauty, but I'm not ugly either. I'm no genius, but I do believe my IQ is at least around a hundred. The only thing lacking is my observation skills, EQ and tact, I suppose. And yet that too, make me happy. As long as no one comes out and tell me openly, I'll never know if anyone doesn't like me or anything like that. It really helps to maintain the self-delusion that I am totally lovable. I may not be the richest, smartest, or most beautiful girl on Earth, or even remotely near that. But I am healthy, well-fed, well-clothed, and receives an education, lives in a more or less peaceful world. Of course, I would be much happier if there is no global warming and deforestation, but what reason do I have to remain unhappy? None. And if I'm not unhappy, I might as well be extremely happy, right? Getting to irritate my sister is just an extra bonus.

I don't think anyone can actually make sense of the previous paragraph. If you can, good for you. If you cannot, you are just more sane than me is all. There are times when I really wonder if RGS girls may find like minds in Woodbridge. Not very often, mind, but if you've seen some of the scenes I've seen, you'll wonder too. But then again, aren't we all a little crazy? Where would the fun in life be without a little craziness, the feeling of carefreeness and total abandonment? When you feel as though the rest of the world doesn't matter, and you don't give a damn about what the others think. When time stops for a moment, and there is only you, and you can do whatever you want. It's a wonderful feeling, amazing, captivating, and possibly addictive. It draws you in, like a moth to a candle flame, making you wish you can be like that all the time. But then the bubble that you're in falls apart, and the world starts turning again, and your sensibility takes over and you are conscious of the world once more. Once again, you have to step back into the real world, for as much as we enjoy that sense of carelessness, it is not for us, and it would not do for us to be detached from the real world for long. Not while we're still in it, anyway. So we can only wait, patiently, for the next moment of craziness to come to us again. How wonderful it would be to not care about anything in the world. And yet at the same time, how absolutely horrible and terrifying. For not caring about anything, would mean no responsibilities, no duties, ad no purpose of existense. And that, above all things, I abhor. I like being busy, I like having things to do. Because while doing something, be it for myself or for others, I get a sense of purpose, a feeling that I am useful, that I would not pass by this world without changing it in the least. I do not dream to change the world magnificently, be it for better or for worse. I do wish, at times that I could be like Einstein, Shakespeare, or someone else who left their mark on the world, decades, even centuries and milleniums after their death. But I know that the chances that I'll be that someone is one in a million, billion, even zillion. Nonetheless I wish to do something, to make my mark, even if it's but in a tiny, minute way. My greatest fear was to have my life as blank as the day when I was born. In a way I still fear this, but now, I at least have the consolation that I did impact something in the world. After all, my sister insist that it was my teachings that got her a 78 for her Maths exam, the lowest she has ever gotten.

Well, so much for trying to make sense. I think even I myself will fail to understand this post when I come back to read it a few months later. Who knows, I might even take it down after a while. But that is in the future, and come what may, I'll leave the future to the future, where it belongs.

the dreams exposed ;